Voices...

Last night as I laid down to go to sleep I remembered that Tuesday night two years ago so clearly. Pam was gone. She had died. What? How? My life was upside down and I didn't know if it would ever right itself again. I remember laying down in the bed, Kirsten had just gotten home from the Dominican Republic, all the visiting friends had left, the house was quiet...I closed my eyes and heard her voice, "I am alright". I sat up straight in the bed and went down to check on Kirsten. I was scared - shaken - and yet had a small amount of peace - but then my mind went to me and I screamed in my head thinking if I could hear her in my head maybe she could hear me in hers - I screamed "but I AM NOT" and today I fear I still feel that way. I am not alright.

Life is very hard at times - how do you push two twenty-something year old girls out of the nest to go on with their lives? Why do I feel like I'm being mean when I know intelligently that it is the right thing to do. Why can't my life be "normal" like other families - kids grow up, go to college, leave home and get a job? I keep pondering what I did wrong in their early years.

Tomorrow - on tomorrow. It is the 19th of May. The very day Pam left me here to figure all this out without her. We never really agreed on things like this but we respected each other any way. Now I have to do it on my own and know if it is wrong it is my mistake.

Oh Pam - why did God take you away. Why....