May Again?

It's May - I keep asking myself how did it get to be May again. So many happy things happen in May - family birthdays, end of school functions, beautiful blooming flowers, shorts no jackets. It's a beautiful month in so very many ways and yet I really don't like May. It stirs up memories - painful memories. Three years ago my life seem so good - good church family, kids living their lives and finally some quiet at home with only one child remaining at home and in school. Then BAM in the blink of an eye it all changed. Pam had left us and life would turn upside down. I am so thankful for the church family we had during that time but as with Pam's leaving the church disolved to some extent and I felt more alone that I have ever in my entire life. I'm still wandering on a journey to where God would have me worship and serve and part of me is just totally afraid to allow any group of believers close enough to ever hurt me again and that makes for a sad existance. Life is a day by day journey - I still miss Pam and I still wonder why and the sun goes down and then it rises and I face another day full of questions and pain. This all sounds so hopeless and yet I don't really mean it to - it is where I am and I believe admitting that is healthy. I don't understand and to say all the pat right answers is really just a bandaid. I don't understand and I do understand I may never understand - does that make sense? Well at least I know where my hope is - it is not in the daily journey I am on but what lies at the end of that journey. Some day - I will arrive in heaven and although right now I would like to ask WHY I know when I arrive I won't care any more. May 19th - can we just erase that day from the calendar? No, because it is the day my sister-in-law and niece celebrate their birthdays so to do away with that day would be selfish on my part. I will celebrate their day - and be sad for the memory that lingers in my heart. I miss you my friend...do you miss me?