It is so hard to believe summer is nearly over. It will be near 100 today so the heat is still here but we are busy preparing for a new school year. Ashley will be in 8th grade - seems so strange this will be her last year at Kiser and then on to high school. Time passes by so quickly.
I didn't want to wake up this morning. I dreamed I was watching Ashley play softball which is strange in and of itself since she doesn't play softball. I was taking pictures of her - she was in the out field in the photo to the left when I noticed Pam in the right hand side of the photo. She was inside the fence standing where the umpire stands. She came over to the fence and gave me that beautiful smile that makes you smile too. I clicked pictures of that smile as quick as I could but when I went to view them she didn't show up - and I looked up and she was gone. I awoke to tears rolling gently down my cheeks and I so wanted to go back to sleep and recapture that dream but it was gone...lost...and my reality came rushing in.
I'm still working through the sense of loss of a part of me that will never return. Songs on the radio bring back memories or even new meaning comes from them in light of the journey I am on. The old Bette Midler song "Wind Beneath My Wings" played yesterday...that was Pam. She was always the wind beneath my wings. I struggle to fly most days - I can walk and even run at times but flying...well that's a little harder to do. I miss her so very much.
I turned 54 this week. It's times like this that I miss her most. Family gatherings...she is not there...there is an empty space...a missing piece...a missing laugh. I am sad. I am sad. I miss "My Pam".
Today comes and today goes and then it will be tomorrow...maybe the sadness will lessen with the coming of a new day.
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