Monday, April 26, 2010

24 Years....


Twenty four years ago today I married my best friend, Jay Turner. What a blessing he has always been to me. It is so hard to believe twenty-four years have past. So many wonderful memories.

I had lived with Pam (and Billy) for two years prior our wedding. I had been with Pam throughout her first pregnancy and at our wedding, Pam was pregnant with Bryce. Very pregnant. In fact she had been told he could come any day...I was constantly thinking of Pam on my honeymoon worrying about her and the baby. This was way before cell phones, text, the internet. In fact, the hotel we stayed in on Ocracoke didn't even have a telephone. We had to find a pay phone to check on Pam ... and we did several times a day :) Of course, true to baby form... he was born May 29th, over a month after Jay and I were wed. Oh I should have stayed at Ocracoke longer :)

We lived in Raleigh the first two years of our marriage. I begged for two years to come back to Greensboro. I wanted to be closer to family - 2 hours was too long - yes, it took two hours back then because I-40 wasn't finished. We did move back and just in time to be there when Pam had baby Kirsten. What fun to have a baby girl in the family and to be in town with them.
Time for Pam to return to work and a bump in our road occurred, her sitter discovered she had breast cancer and had to take some time off... I was able to keep Bryce and Kirsten some for Pam and I was in my little piece of heaven. I had two babies to love on. Our next door neighbor laughed one day and said, "you might decide you don't want to have a baby now that you are taking care of them. But then you'll find out it's too late, you will be pregnant." She was right about one thing, shortly there after we found out we were expecting a baby. I did still want to be pregnant so she missed that one.
We so enjoyed my pregnancy with Mollie. She decided to come five weeks early and I was put on bed rest on May 1st, missed my baby shower and just waited for her to come. But after 10 days they told me I could return to work and it was fine for her to come on into our world. Well she showed us her stubborn side and decided she just wouldn't come out. It was June 9th before she arrived...what a blessing. Until 5:00 every day when she would begin her nightly cry...:) My wonderful Jay would come home and walk her so I could cook dinner. Now that was a real blessing.
A year later we moved next door to Pam (and Billy) and life was great. My family in one house and my other best friend next door. Three years later we were excited to learn we would be adding to our family. Mollie was so excited and kept saying she wanted a "MickNey Mouse baby" but nine weeks into the pregnancy we learned our baby had gone to live with the Lord. We were heart broken but with family around you do survive and move on slowly.
One year later Pam, Bryce and Kirsten moved in with us. It was bitter sweet and yet I simply loved having so much family around. There we lived for two years, six of us in 950 square feet, one bath room, two dogs and a lot of love. Three parents - three kids - we were on a level playing field - even took a trip to Disney World - what a great memory.
Then enter God with His incredible sense of humor. January of 1996, eight months before I would turn 40 we found out we were expecting a baby. This time I was excited, scared and just overwhelmed. We had given up on another child and I had accepted that the babies I had always wanted were one of my own and two of my own through a nephew and niece but God had other plans.
In September, Ashley Anne (named after her Aunt Pamela Anne) was born. It was so much fun having a baby again. Bryce was 10, Kirsten was 8 and Mollie was 7 so they all were so much fun during the pregnancy and after she was born for the most part they were all thrilled. But then we were SEVEN people living in 950 square feet, one bath room, two dogs and a lot of love. We lived like that for one year and the following October we did a house switch.
Yes, everyone always did think us odd...strange...weird. But we moved into Pam's former house and Bryce and Kirsten's dad moved into our house. Giving us a lot more room and still allowing the kids to see their dad often.
There we stayed through Bryce graduating from high school and college and Mollie and Kirsten graduating from high school and Mollie to college and Kirsten to the Dominican Republic. Leaving our full nest a little empty, just Jay, Pam, Ashley and me. Life was really good and for the most part everyone was happy.
Pam changed all that last year when she and God decided for her to change her residence - heaven. I know it is something I will never understand but with each day I ask for acceptance of this new road we travel.
Bryce came home from Spain last year, Kirsten came home from the DR, Mollie returned home from college and of course Ashley is still home and our empty nest is once again nearly full - only Pam is missing.
We have moved to a new house...are trying to make new memories to make it a home...and try to live in a way that will honor Pam's memory. We all miss her love, presence and her wonderful laugh! Oh to hear it one more time.
What will tomorrow hold in our lives... well we THINK the nest will be empty again one day... I pray I'll have my Jay by my side and that we will all prepare for the day our Lord also calls us home to be reunited with Pam and all the others we love who have gone on before us.
Until that day, I am thankful for each moment the Lord gives me with Jay and my children.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Spring...and anniversaries

The first rose to bloom... our new yard has been full of surprises this spring. The daffodils have been absolutely incredible. Then we had these flowers come up that had stalks that looked like asparagus but then opened into these beautiful lavender blooms just at the daffodils quit blooming. We have deep purple iris blooming in the side yard...I almost missed them since it is over in an area I don't see everyday and then this morning...the rose. We have several rose bushes - but this is first to bloom.

Spring is such a wonderful time of renewal and rebirth. It's also been a time of preparing for the first anniversary of Pam's departure to heaven. I'm so consumed by this that I can hardly think of anything else. I know it's not healthy or good for me but it is the last thing I think of when I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind when I awake (assuming I actually go to sleep). I'm not sure I want to do something on May 19th or if I just want to let the day pass unnoticed. I think this is what the kids would prefer but sometimes I think I need to do something that I prefer for my own sanity. I'm just not sure.

Yesterday we attended Grace Community Church. It sort of felt like going home. I didn't really think I would feel that way but I did. I felt loved, cared for, understood. Hmmm...what now.

Spring has come - time of renewal, time to rethink where I am, where I am going and time to ask questions about what the Lord wants me to be doing to further his kingdom. I knew what to do when Pam was here - now I mostly feel lost. I miss her - I miss her encouragement - I miss her take control of things attitude - I just miss her hugs whenever I needed them. Lord, I miss My Pam.