Well we have lived through the year of firsts. First birthdays, first holidays, lots of firsts that would remind us that Pam has gone on before us to begin her life with Jesus. Every month the 19th has been such countdown day for me. I had so dreaded May 19th but it was a day of spending time with Jay, the kids some, Nana and friends who called or stopped by. It is so very hard to believe a year ago our lives changed so suddenly and without warning.
I asked my girls yesterday what they were feeling, remembering, thinking and both distinctly remember my scream - as I cried out to Jay when I realized she was not breathing. Tuesday mornings are still tough but maybe not quite as tough as they once were. I still cry at least once a day - but I know the normal triggers. One is being alone in the car. It just seems to allow my mind to return to that moment. Songs on the radio - like Save a Place for me - cause a tear and yet give me hope of the day we will all be reunited.
I LOVE this picture of Pam. A little boy that she loved so much and babysat for looked at this picture as it appeared on handout that was given at her Celebration of Life and said look - Ms. Pam has wings. Only a child would pick up on something that was captured several years ago. This picture greets me each day on my desk. It's like Pam is still smiling at me - I talk to that picture - hope that doesn't make me crazy...it doesn't answer me though I wish it would.
I worry about Bryce and Kirsten. Neither even mentioned the anniversary yesterday to me. I know they each grieve in their own way but I do worry. I want to be able to help them but I don't know how. Most days I just don't think they are living the reality that she is gone and yet I know they are on some level.
Summer is coming. I'm looking forward to some long evenings at our new home. It will be OUR FIRST summer in the new house. We've joined a pool so I hope that will be a way to create new warm memories.
I've decided today is the first day of the rest of my life...life without Pam... life without remembering that last year this time she was here - because she wasn't - the 1st year is over and now I am so very ready to live again.
We are back at Grace - I think it's where we are supposed to be. It feels like home. I will always treasure the time I had at 5;14 and the precious people we came to know and love there but I believe God has called us back to our church home. God is soverign and one day I will be able to believe in my heart that He is truly GOOD.
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