Missing My Pam...

I find myself pondering the empty spot in my life more frequently these last few weeks. I've asked myself why after nearly two years do I continue to feel this void like none other I have ever known.

I know Pam had ADD but was never diagnosed as a child and learned to live with it as an adult. I used to tell her in the last few years we were together that I believed it was a contagious disorder because me being the one who could always remember everything and handled life in a smooth orderly fashion began forgetting things - overlooking things - just basically becoming totally unable to focus on one thing at a time. This seems so true of me now. I constantly fidget from one task to another rarely finishing anything. Then I feel bad because I haven't done what I meant to do.

This year was the first Easter in 24 years that we didn't do an egg hunt and that makes me so sad. I know Ashley is 14 and would appear too old for this type of foolishness but this was exactly what Pam would have demanded - that we continue to enjoy the foolishness of being a child. I let that pass because the other kids (now 24, 22 and 21) were out of the country. We let this honored tradition die. I did manage to get the girls to dye eggs the weekend before they left and we had our traditional creamed eggs and toast meal. But the egg hunt really bugs me that we didn't do it.

My fear is other time honored traditions will start to fade and with that a part of Pam I'm in no way ready to lose will slowly disappear.

Three weeks from tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of her death. TWO YEARS! How on earth did that much time go by? We are all blest beyond measure and yet I find myself just staring in space many days - wishing I could turn back the hands of time and have just one more day to laugh and cry with Pam.