Groanings.

Today I sit and wonder, has my life been a mistake? Did I really never truly understand what God has called me to do, to be? I love the words in Micah "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I have asked the Lord to help me on my journey follow this verse. And yet everyday I am confronted with the questions of did I really know what I was doing so long ago with my blended family.

I miss Pam - I miss her assurances and yet she was one of the greatest offenders in my feelings of making mistakes. I have always felt like the “bad guy” in our home. I don’t enjoy confrontation but I dislike avoidance even more. I believe avoidance creates walls that can sometimes never be torn down. With each occurrence another layer not only is added to the top of the wall but another layer is placed between you and the other person making it nearly impossible to break it down or get over it.

I am living with one of those walls in my life and it is just about to destroy me. I am so frustrated that no matter what I do it is perceived as mean, hateful and wrong. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on the relationship as I see no signs that it will ever bring me anything but pain. It is hard to believe you might have to walk away from a member of your family that you have sacrificed for year after year and yet now you see they will simply never let you close enough to love them. The pain is too great…I can’t continue and survive.

Lord, please help me to: To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with you.

Signed ... very tired.