May Again?

It's May - I keep asking myself how did it get to be May again. So many happy things happen in May - family birthdays, end of school functions, beautiful blooming flowers, shorts no jackets. It's a beautiful month in so very many ways and yet I really don't like May. It stirs up memories - painful memories. Three years ago my life seem so good - good church family, kids living their lives and finally some quiet at home with only one child remaining at home and in school. Then BAM in the blink of an eye it all changed. Pam had left us and life would turn upside down. I am so thankful for the church family we had during that time but as with Pam's leaving the church disolved to some extent and I felt more alone that I have ever in my entire life. I'm still wandering on a journey to where God would have me worship and serve and part of me is just totally afraid to allow any group of believers close enough to ever hurt me again and that makes for a sad existance. Life is a day by day journey - I still miss Pam and I still wonder why and the sun goes down and then it rises and I face another day full of questions and pain. This all sounds so hopeless and yet I don't really mean it to - it is where I am and I believe admitting that is healthy. I don't understand and to say all the pat right answers is really just a bandaid. I don't understand and I do understand I may never understand - does that make sense? Well at least I know where my hope is - it is not in the daily journey I am on but what lies at the end of that journey. Some day - I will arrive in heaven and although right now I would like to ask WHY I know when I arrive I won't care any more. May 19th - can we just erase that day from the calendar? No, because it is the day my sister-in-law and niece celebrate their birthdays so to do away with that day would be selfish on my part. I will celebrate their day - and be sad for the memory that lingers in my heart. I miss you my friend...do you miss me?

Groanings.

Today I sit and wonder, has my life been a mistake? Did I really never truly understand what God has called me to do, to be? I love the words in Micah "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I have asked the Lord to help me on my journey follow this verse. And yet everyday I am confronted with the questions of did I really know what I was doing so long ago with my blended family.

I miss Pam - I miss her assurances and yet she was one of the greatest offenders in my feelings of making mistakes. I have always felt like the “bad guy” in our home. I don’t enjoy confrontation but I dislike avoidance even more. I believe avoidance creates walls that can sometimes never be torn down. With each occurrence another layer not only is added to the top of the wall but another layer is placed between you and the other person making it nearly impossible to break it down or get over it.

I am living with one of those walls in my life and it is just about to destroy me. I am so frustrated that no matter what I do it is perceived as mean, hateful and wrong. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on the relationship as I see no signs that it will ever bring me anything but pain. It is hard to believe you might have to walk away from a member of your family that you have sacrificed for year after year and yet now you see they will simply never let you close enough to love them. The pain is too great…I can’t continue and survive.

Lord, please help me to: To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with you.

Signed ... very tired.

Voices...

Last night as I laid down to go to sleep I remembered that Tuesday night two years ago so clearly. Pam was gone. She had died. What? How? My life was upside down and I didn't know if it would ever right itself again. I remember laying down in the bed, Kirsten had just gotten home from the Dominican Republic, all the visiting friends had left, the house was quiet...I closed my eyes and heard her voice, "I am alright". I sat up straight in the bed and went down to check on Kirsten. I was scared - shaken - and yet had a small amount of peace - but then my mind went to me and I screamed in my head thinking if I could hear her in my head maybe she could hear me in hers - I screamed "but I AM NOT" and today I fear I still feel that way. I am not alright.

Life is very hard at times - how do you push two twenty-something year old girls out of the nest to go on with their lives? Why do I feel like I'm being mean when I know intelligently that it is the right thing to do. Why can't my life be "normal" like other families - kids grow up, go to college, leave home and get a job? I keep pondering what I did wrong in their early years.

Tomorrow - on tomorrow. It is the 19th of May. The very day Pam left me here to figure all this out without her. We never really agreed on things like this but we respected each other any way. Now I have to do it on my own and know if it is wrong it is my mistake.

Oh Pam - why did God take you away. Why....

Missing My Pam...

I find myself pondering the empty spot in my life more frequently these last few weeks. I've asked myself why after nearly two years do I continue to feel this void like none other I have ever known.

I know Pam had ADD but was never diagnosed as a child and learned to live with it as an adult. I used to tell her in the last few years we were together that I believed it was a contagious disorder because me being the one who could always remember everything and handled life in a smooth orderly fashion began forgetting things - overlooking things - just basically becoming totally unable to focus on one thing at a time. This seems so true of me now. I constantly fidget from one task to another rarely finishing anything. Then I feel bad because I haven't done what I meant to do.

This year was the first Easter in 24 years that we didn't do an egg hunt and that makes me so sad. I know Ashley is 14 and would appear too old for this type of foolishness but this was exactly what Pam would have demanded - that we continue to enjoy the foolishness of being a child. I let that pass because the other kids (now 24, 22 and 21) were out of the country. We let this honored tradition die. I did manage to get the girls to dye eggs the weekend before they left and we had our traditional creamed eggs and toast meal. But the egg hunt really bugs me that we didn't do it.

My fear is other time honored traditions will start to fade and with that a part of Pam I'm in no way ready to lose will slowly disappear.

Three weeks from tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of her death. TWO YEARS! How on earth did that much time go by? We are all blest beyond measure and yet I find myself just staring in space many days - wishing I could turn back the hands of time and have just one more day to laugh and cry with Pam.

My earthly rock is missing...

Pam was always the one to help me when there were issues to deal with concerning my mom. She could remain calm and positive. It is one of the things I miss most about her.

For over a week we have been dealing with health issues with my mom who has been living in a retirement apartment since 10/09. It appears she will not be able to return there after this stay in the hospital. It's hard making decisions for your mom especially a mom who remembers nothing but the things she perceives you have done that she doesn't like. So I know whatever I do she will blame me.

She seems to clearly understand she can no longer care for herself but I fear the reality of the move will hit her hard. She tells me I'm mean when I try to get her to do things for herself and try to talk to her and make her use her brain so today I have resolved to simply say and do what I know she wants to hear. This is hard for me but I know it will be less frustrating over all.

This life is not an easy road and without Pam to keep me in check - it's even harder.

Officially Fall....

Well today Kirsten will head to the Dominican Republic for 12 days. It seemed strange to tell her bye this morning knowing she will be gone when I get home. I'm praying this will be a time of reflection and encouragement for her. She says once she returns home that a drivers license is in her future. I'm praying for this on so many different levels! Then the next stop is a job!

Bryce leaves for Spain on Saturday. Now this will be for a much longer time period. He is scheduled to return to the States in June. He will be teaching school in the Basque country of Spain. It's on the northern coast near France. He is excited and while I am sad to see him go I am excited for this opportunity he has to teach. He is leaving dear sweet Gizmo with me to care for and love.

So our home will be down to four as Mollie is working at the Carolina Theatre and doing an internship with Deep South Entertainment in Raleigh. Ashley is busy busy with flute lessons, Jazz Band at school (playing the piano), an upcoming play with her Drama class that is just beginning rehearsals, scouts and youth group at church.

Life is never dull... always changing...always reminding us of the changes God brings into and through us as a family.

Summer comes to a close and dreams...

It is so hard to believe summer is nearly over. It will be near 100 today so the heat is still here but we are busy preparing for a new school year. Ashley will be in 8th grade - seems so strange this will be her last year at Kiser and then on to high school. Time passes by so quickly.

I didn't want to wake up this morning. I dreamed I was watching Ashley play softball which is strange in and of itself since she doesn't play softball. I was taking pictures of her - she was in the out field in the photo to the left when I noticed Pam in the right hand side of the photo. She was inside the fence standing where the umpire stands. She came over to the fence and gave me that beautiful smile that makes you smile too. I clicked pictures of that smile as quick as I could but when I went to view them she didn't show up - and I looked up and she was gone. I awoke to tears rolling gently down my cheeks and I so wanted to go back to sleep and recapture that dream but it was gone...lost...and my reality came rushing in.

I'm still working through the sense of loss of a part of me that will never return. Songs on the radio bring back memories or even new meaning comes from them in light of the journey I am on. The old Bette Midler song "Wind Beneath My Wings" played yesterday...that was Pam. She was always the wind beneath my wings. I struggle to fly most days - I can walk and even run at times but flying...well that's a little harder to do. I miss her so very much.

I turned 54 this week. It's times like this that I miss her most. Family gatherings...she is not there...there is an empty space...a missing piece...a missing laugh. I am sad. I am sad. I miss "My Pam".

Today comes and today goes and then it will be tomorrow...maybe the sadness will lessen with the coming of a new day.