Sadness

Feeling sad is really a helpless feeling. You want to feel happy and even at times you do feel happy but the sense of sadness is there all the same. You smile, go through the motions of daily tasks, but deep down where no one sees but you feel very strongly you are sad.

I've begun reading a book entitled Crazy Love, Overwhelmed by a relentless God by Francis Chan. I'm going very slowly - in fact I've been reading Chapter One for three days - its not that long but I just keep pausing and listening and waiting. Waiting for what? I guess a voice, a sense of presence, something to help me with the deep sadness. I would love to hear Francis Chan speak in person - for now I'm watching videos on his website.

I think I'll do a study on sadness. Look up verses where God tells of people who are sad. Why are they sad? What turns them around? Create a doorway for God to speak to me through His word.

Summer is half way over ... school supplies are already appearing in the stores. Rush - everything is rushed on to the next thing.

Sadness - I think I shall ponder this emotion for quite awhile.

Time...

I constantly amazed at how fast time goes by even when I feel it is dragging at times.

Since my last post we have celebrated Bryce turning 24 - 24!
Then two weeks later we celebrated Mollie turning 21 - 21!

Okay enough - but I guess it will continue. Ashley is finally out of school and summer has begun. She finished with all A's again - I'm not sure how she does that but she has made all A's since entering middle school. Next year she will be in 8th grade...YIKES!

Summer should be fun - hopefully relaxing at home, going to the pool. No out of town vacation plans as Jay used his vacation up during his knee replacement but the knee is doing great so that is such a blessing and worth every vacation day he had to take.

Hot is word these days and July hasn't even arrived yet. But God is good - our AC works great!

Summer - I really like this time of year.

One Year - no more firsts without Pam

Well we have lived through the year of firsts. First birthdays, first holidays, lots of firsts that would remind us that Pam has gone on before us to begin her life with Jesus. Every month the 19th has been such countdown day for me. I had so dreaded May 19th but it was a day of spending time with Jay, the kids some, Nana and friends who called or stopped by. It is so very hard to believe a year ago our lives changed so suddenly and without warning.

I asked my girls yesterday what they were feeling, remembering, thinking and both distinctly remember my scream - as I cried out to Jay when I realized she was not breathing. Tuesday mornings are still tough but maybe not quite as tough as they once were. I still cry at least once a day - but I know the normal triggers. One is being alone in the car. It just seems to allow my mind to return to that moment. Songs on the radio - like Save a Place for me - cause a tear and yet give me hope of the day we will all be reunited.

I LOVE this picture of Pam. A little boy that she loved so much and babysat for looked at this picture as it appeared on handout that was given at her Celebration of Life and said look - Ms. Pam has wings. Only a child would pick up on something that was captured several years ago. This picture greets me each day on my desk. It's like Pam is still smiling at me - I talk to that picture - hope that doesn't make me crazy...it doesn't answer me though I wish it would.

I worry about Bryce and Kirsten. Neither even mentioned the anniversary yesterday to me. I know they each grieve in their own way but I do worry. I want to be able to help them but I don't know how. Most days I just don't think they are living the reality that she is gone and yet I know they are on some level.

Summer is coming. I'm looking forward to some long evenings at our new home. It will be OUR FIRST summer in the new house. We've joined a pool so I hope that will be a way to create new warm memories.

I've decided today is the first day of the rest of my life...life without Pam... life without remembering that last year this time she was here - because she wasn't - the 1st year is over and now I am so very ready to live again.

We are back at Grace - I think it's where we are supposed to be. It feels like home. I will always treasure the time I had at 5;14 and the precious people we came to know and love there but I believe God has called us back to our church home. God is soverign and one day I will be able to believe in my heart that He is truly GOOD.

24 Years....

Twenty four years ago today I married my best friend, Jay Turner. What a blessing he has always been to me. It is so hard to believe twenty-four years have past. So many wonderful memories.

I had lived with Pam (and Billy) for two years prior our wedding. I had been with Pam throughout her first pregnancy and at our wedding, Pam was pregnant with Bryce. Very pregnant. In fact she had been told he could come any day...I was constantly thinking of Pam on my honeymoon worrying about her and the baby. This was way before cell phones, text, the internet. In fact, the hotel we stayed in on Ocracoke didn't even have a telephone. We had to find a pay phone to check on Pam ... and we did several times a day :) Of course, true to baby form... he was born May 29th, over a month after Jay and I were wed. Oh I should have stayed at Ocracoke longer :)

We lived in Raleigh the first two years of our marriage. I begged for two years to come back to Greensboro. I wanted to be closer to family - 2 hours was too long - yes, it took two hours back then because I-40 wasn't finished. We did move back and just in time to be there when Pam had baby Kirsten. What fun to have a baby girl in the family and to be in town with them.

Time for Pam to return to work and a bump in our road occurred, her sitter discovered she had breast cancer and had to take some time off... I was able to keep Bryce and Kirsten some for Pam and I was in my little piece of heaven. I had two babies to love on. Our next door neighbor laughed one day and said, "you might decide you don't want to have a baby now that you are taking care of them. But then you'll find out it's too late, you will be pregnant." She was right about one thing, shortly there after we found out we were expecting a baby. I did still want to be pregnant so she missed that one.

We so enjoyed my pregnancy with Mollie. She decided to come five weeks early and I was put on bed rest on May 1st, missed my baby shower and just waited for her to come. But after 10 days they told me I could return to work and it was fine for her to come on into our world. Well she showed us her stubborn side and decided she just wouldn't come out. It was June 9th before she arrived...what a blessing. Until 5:00 every day when she would begin her nightly cry...:) My wonderful Jay would come home and walk her so I could cook dinner. Now that was a real blessing.

A year later we moved next door to Pam (and Billy) and life was great. My family in one house and my other best friend next door. Three years later we were excited to learn we would be adding to our family. Mollie was so excited and kept saying she wanted a "MickNey Mouse baby" but nine weeks into the pregnancy we learned our baby had gone to live with the Lord. We were heart broken but with family around you do survive and move on slowly.

One year later Pam, Bryce and Kirsten moved in with us. It was bitter sweet and yet I simply loved having so much family around. There we lived for two years, six of us in 950 square feet, one bath room, two dogs and a lot of love. Three parents - three kids - we were on a level playing field - even took a trip to Disney World - what a great memory.

Then enter God with His incredible sense of humor. January of 1996, eight months before I would turn 40 we found out we were expecting a baby. This time I was excited, scared and just overwhelmed. We had given up on another child and I had accepted that the babies I had always wanted were one of my own and two of my own through a nephew and niece but God had other plans.

In September, Ashley Anne (named after her Aunt Pamela Anne) was born. It was so much fun having a baby again. Bryce was 10, Kirsten was 8 and Mollie was 7 so they all were so much fun during the pregnancy and after she was born for the most part they were all thrilled. But then we were SEVEN people living in 950 square feet, one bath room, two dogs and a lot of love. We lived like that for one year and the following October we did a house switch.

Yes, everyone always did think us odd...strange...weird. But we moved into Pam's former house and Bryce and Kirsten's dad moved into our house. Giving us a lot more room and still allowing the kids to see their dad often.

There we stayed through Bryce graduating from high school and college and Mollie and Kirsten graduating from high school and Mollie to college and Kirsten to the Dominican Republic. Leaving our full nest a little empty, just Jay, Pam, Ashley and me. Life was really good and for the most part everyone was happy.

Pam changed all that last year when she and God decided for her to change her residence - heaven. I know it is something I will never understand but with each day I ask for acceptance of this new road we travel.

Bryce came home from Spain last year, Kirsten came home from the DR, Mollie returned home from college and of course Ashley is still home and our empty nest is once again nearly full - only Pam is missing.

We have moved to a new house...are trying to make new memories to make it a home...and try to live in a way that will honor Pam's memory. We all miss her love, presence and her wonderful laugh! Oh to hear it one more time.

What will tomorrow hold in our lives... well we THINK the nest will be empty again one day... I pray I'll have my Jay by my side and that we will all prepare for the day our Lord also calls us home to be reunited with Pam and all the others we love who have gone on before us.

Until that day, I am thankful for each moment the Lord gives me with Jay and my children.

Spring...and anniversaries

The first rose to bloom... our new yard has been full of surprises this spring. The daffodils have been absolutely incredible. Then we had these flowers come up that had stalks that looked like asparagus but then opened into these beautiful lavender blooms just at the daffodils quit blooming. We have deep purple iris blooming in the side yard...I almost missed them since it is over in an area I don't see everyday and then this morning...the rose. We have several rose bushes - but this is first to bloom.

Spring is such a wonderful time of renewal and rebirth. It's also been a time of preparing for the first anniversary of Pam's departure to heaven. I'm so consumed by this that I can hardly think of anything else. I know it's not healthy or good for me but it is the last thing I think of when I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind when I awake (assuming I actually go to sleep). I'm not sure I want to do something on May 19th or if I just want to let the day pass unnoticed. I think this is what the kids would prefer but sometimes I think I need to do something that I prefer for my own sanity. I'm just not sure.

Yesterday we attended Grace Community Church. It sort of felt like going home. I didn't really think I would feel that way but I did. I felt loved, cared for, understood. Hmmm...what now.

Spring has come - time of renewal, time to rethink where I am, where I am going and time to ask questions about what the Lord wants me to be doing to further his kingdom. I knew what to do when Pam was here - now I mostly feel lost. I miss her - I miss her encouragement - I miss her take control of things attitude - I just miss her hugs whenever I needed them. Lord, I miss My Pam.

Holy Week....

We find ourselves at the beginning of Holy Week. Last year Pam and Kirsten went to visit Bryce in Spain over spring break/Easter. So this Pam wasn't with me last Easter and it was so strange. I had no idea at the time that it was the first Easter I would celebrate without her here. I find myself really, really missing her. She made any holiday special - I am trying to continue some of our traditions. It's really hard on me and I sometimes just want to say no more - but I love the traditions our family has as much as she did.

Saturday we will dye eggs. Sunday after lunch we will have an egg hunt. Jay's mom suggested we not do it anymore - I was hurt. Yes, our kids are 23, 21, 20 and 13 but when the older ones were 13 they had an egg hunt - I won't give up this tradition at least for the sake of my Ashley. I think the older ones enjoy it too! So the egg hunt will just change locations...from Nana's to our new home. So I'm learning we can continue old traditions with a slight change.

Jay is getting better and I am so glad. He had a very rough time with his knee. I was getting really depressed about it. Lack of sleep can really do a number on you. I just keep telling myself that once he heals this surgery will be something we are both glad he did.

The yard looks so beautiful with flowers blooming. I love spring...my allergies don't but I love seeing how green the grass is after a rain and all the beautiful bulbs popping up and blooming. We are going to try to have a small garden this year. Bryce has planted some seeds and they are sprouting and growing.

Kirsten is planning a trip to the Dominican Republic to attend a wedding. I think getting away will be really good for her. Upon her return she must learn to drive...that will be no fun I'm afraid.

Happy Easter - Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to die and rise for me. Happy Easter Pam - enjoy your celebration at the feet of Jesus. We will miss you so much as the kids run through the yard hunting eggs.

New Knee!

Well we are ten days away from Jay's knee replacement surgery. He is getting anxious about this so I need to commit myself to praying without ceasing for him. He told me last week he was having second thoughts about the surgery, I asked him what was the alternative (I thought I knew the answer, I was right). He said there wasn't an alternative but he just knew there was so much work to do. The work he is referring to is at home - and at our old home. He worries about the old house and getting it sold, I do too but I know God will take care of us and I believe He put us in our new home for a purpose...a fresh start.