Will we know each other in heaven...

Last night I had the privilege of singing hymns with my family and friends to a dear sweet man who is dying of cancer. As he lay there with the look of pure enjoyment at our rag-tag attempt to sing old hymns - I was so touched. I also couldn't help but think of Pam now in heaven in a new body - one free from pain, sorrow and suffering - I so miss her and I'm not sure I'll ever be glad she is not with us but I am trying to focus on the beautiful promise of heaven.

I wanted to ask Mr. Uzzell to tell Pam hello upon his arrival in heaven and that we miss her. I have hard time understanding how he could deliver that message and Pam not be sad that she is not with us. Heaven is such a mystery to me. I can talk about wanting to go to heaven some day - I can imagine the idea of no pain or suffering but I can't comprehend how you can remember those you love and not be sad to be apart. I know it is all in the great mystery of God and his master plan but that's seems to be about all I can understand right now.

I can picture Pam with her dad. They were apart for nearly 30 years. She loved him so much - he would have loved being a grandad and I tease that he would have adored his only daughter-in-law (we never met). But how can they be together and not be sad at all the things they missed sharing together on earth during their separation? Mystery doesn't even begin to define this for me. But just maybe it will give me something new to study - ponder - and seek God's wisdom about.

Songs will soothe the soul....

I have a friend who is currently struggling in several areas of her life. To her it feels like ALL areas and in emailing back and forth with her the words to a favorite song of mine came to mind. I hope if you read this that these words will touch your heart too...

Life is Hard, But God is Good - by Pam Thum

You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do

Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good

You start to cry
'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows

Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good

New Memories...missing a part

Well yesterday was the first day of school...we saw butterflies last night. Are the two connected? I believe they are. Everytime I see a butterfly - I say Pam's here. Does my brain believe this? Maybe no - but my heart feels like she is visiting us to be sure we are alright and that I am doing all the right things.

Yes, Pam, I remembered to take the first day of school pictures of Ashley. She was so excited. She had a great day! I will do my best to keep her scrapbooks going. But I don't know.

Mollie is happy with her classes! Thank you Lord. She is happy to coming home at night. Who would have ever thought this would make her happy.

Kirsten starts her part-time job on Thursday. I'm so happy for her - she will enjoy getting out and will be spending time with a wonderful lady who loved Pam so much.

Life is hard...but God is good.

Tears that never seem to cease...

Yesterday was a teary day. Sometimes tears are a release - these were not. Everything just made me cry - an aching sort of cry that hurts. You know the kind that make your eye sockets feel like they are on fire? If you don't know what I'm talking about then count yourself fortunate. Everything bothered me - everyone bothered me - but being alone bothered me. Guess it was just a bad day! Tomorrow is Tuesday - the most dreaded day of my week. Maybe I shed Tuesday's tears on Sunday - maybe - that could be it but then I have shed tears today so I must still have more.

Mollie began school today at UNCG - she had a good day - praise the Lord! Ashley starts tomorrow - Lord let it be a good year please. Kirsten starts a part-time job on Thursday - let this be a blessing to her soul. Bryce is back home after a week of housesitting - yeah! All our children are safely in our humble nest.

Today is nearly over - at work at least. Then off to Ashley's open house!

Shopping - a new memory

Tomorrow I will be taking Ashley for her annual back to school shopping trip. This was always done with Pam at our side finding the best bargains and supporting me when I would say no to something Ashley wanted that I didn't think we should get. She was also there to help convince me to buy things Ashley wanted when I was unsure about the purchase. So here we go on another one of many 1sts.

So I decided to switch things up - we are going to Concord Mills. I've never been there - Pam never went there and so it will be some place totally different. But once again I would normally never go somewhere for the 1st time without Pam to drive me, guide me and just support me as she did for so many years.

We are taking a friend, Cynthia, with us and we are actually going to spend the night. Mollie and her friend Amanda are going to a concert in Charlotte and will be able to come back to the hotel and spend the night. So it should be a fun time.

Jay gets to stay with Gizmo and also go over and stay with Cynthia's two dachshunds for the night. Gizmo will have his first sleep over :)

I'm praying the Lord will guide my steps and help me as I learn to make new memories and set new traditions without Pam at my side.

Home is hard

I'm finding our home is haunting me. Well it just is full of reminders of past moments that are precious and yet so painful. What do you do when you feel you want to run and yet you have no where to run. Jay and I talk about this often so I think we are dealing with our feelings in a healthy way.

We are both nuts about our dog and I think that is for the reason I mentioned before - Gizmo holds no connection to Pam. He's new and memory free.

Well it's Tuesday and I've survived another Tuesday almost. They are still the hardest days of all.

Home Again

Well vacation is over and we are about to embark on a new school year. Today Ashley and I went to purchase school supplies - it's amazing how the smallest things bring back memories - sweet memories that you didn't really treasure as you should have until there is no more time to make sweet memories. Life is busy and that helps but my heart still aches every single day - the reality is I want Pam back with us and I'm confused as to why God had to take her away from us. Right now the only happy memory that is Pam free is time with our puppy Gizmo. He has no connection to her and therefore I can play with him without it bringing memories of Pam to mind - and yet she would have absolutely loved him.

Tomorrow I do my third college parent orientation - hopefully I'll get it right this time :) Lord help me be positive and upbeat for Mollie as she enters her fourth school in three years. :)

End of Vacation

Well we have had two days of rain...ugh. Not the way you want to end your vacation but something totally beyond our control. We've about finished a puzzle - many books have been read and everyone is still alive so I guess we have been sucessful.

Tomorrow we pack up to head home and part of me is ready. It has been a good week and the Lord really provided the needed support through the Benedict family. As we cooked our annual seafood fest last night I was so reminded of Pam as she would stand by me and be my "sou chef" but this year she is not here to fulfill that role so my dear friend Cynthia graciously took on this role and made preparing the meal fun.

Before we head home tomorrow we will spread some of Pam's ashes in the ocean. She loved the beach as much as she loved Disney - maybe more as she shared my love of the ocean and the awesomeness of God's incredible creation. Today I just wish He would have held back some of the rain but then maybe He protected us from getting burned :)

It's been a great distraction this week from the daily reminders of Pam's absence - will I ever be used to it? I doubt it - God has given me a sign of her presence - each time I see a butterfly I am reminded of her love for nature and have decided it is her visiting me if for only a moment.

Well time to start packing up some stuff and preparing for returning to the "real world".

Vacation...

Tomorrow we leave for a week at the beach. This trip is always in the works and begins as we leave the beach the previous year. In January we searched and found an incredible house we could not afford - well without the help of friends who are going on vacation with us this year. Our dear friends Mike and Cynthia Benedict and their two children will be joining us. Many may think we planned this last minute after Pam's passing but in fact God orchestrated it last summer when Cynthia said she would love for us to do a vacation this year together - neither of us knowing at the time that Pam would not be in our midst.

Our bags are packed - food is sitting all over the dining room waiting to loaded - and at 10:00 am in the morning we will head to Topsail Island with the six of us, the four Benedicts, Jay's mom and my mom - oh and did I mention my brother and his family is already down there (just for the weekend) and will be joining us for dinner on Saturday night as we celebrate my 53rd birthday (Sunday).

We plan to take a little part of Pam with us and spread the ashes on the beach. She loved the beach so very much - she could search for the perfect shark's tooth for hours in broken shells and always found one.

I believe the Lord will bless our week even in the midst of the bittersweetness of Pam's absence. If you read this - please pray for us. I still cry nearly every day at some point, I ache for a hug from Pam and wonder if I'm doing everything alright for all our kids. I struggle with life and death and the meaning of it all - but keep letting my head rule as it keeps saying remember God is good and He loves you beyond what you are able to comprehend.