CHRISTmas time is near....

Dashing through the snow...ho ho ho.... It doesn't seem possible in some ways that Christmas is nearly here. Last year there were two missing faces in our photos - Bryce was in Spain, Kirsten was in the Dominican Republic. Pam was here. Oh if we had only realized just how important last Christmas was and how important each Christmas is...I'm determined to always remember this sad, helpless feeling in order to capture the moment I'm living in. This moment is special - this moment can never be given back to me and the memory of this moment is all I will have when the next moment arrives.

Tomorrow we may see snow - ice - probably rain but the expectation of a winter storm is the same - I get a little excited - know I need to go to the grocery store for bread and milk - and start pondering what to cook.

One week from now will be Christmas eve. Hopefully by then all the presents will be wrapped and we can share family times that will be captured on film and in our hearts forever.

Pam will get to celebrate Jesus birth in person with our Savior this year - part of me is so very sad and then part of me is so very jealous! We miss you, my Pam - we love you.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....

Thankful at Thanksgiving...

We have celebrated our first Thanksgiving in our new home and lived through our first Thanksgiving without Pam's presence. This morning I feel the loss more strongly - I would have been up at 5 AM to head out to black Friday sales. We always did this together - she made it fun.

Today we will be going out to get our tree. It's a time we really experience all the "joys" of family. I like this one, no it's too small, I like this one, no it's too tall, I like this one, no it's too....you know the "fun" times and then we see it and life is good. After a trip to Krispy Kreme for "dinner" we will head home and put the tree in the house and then get to remember all the past Christmases.

The kids are doing so well at least on the outside. Each is enjoying fixing up their new rooms. If only my bank account could keep up with their "needs" - once again we are trying to practice the "needs" versus the "wants" mentality.

Life is busy but good. We still have lots to sort through both physically and mentally and pray for the Lord to walk this journey with us everyday.

New Home...

It is so hard to really believe that this time next week we will be in a new house. A new house that we will make into our new home. God's hand has been so evident in the orchestration of the purchase. I believe he led me to this house through a simple search of a house large enough for all of us in a place we would all feel at peace and that Ashley would be able to continue in the same school district. The peace we felt when we first walked in the front door was so astounding.

Packing up has been hard - well I guess it is hard. I haven't really done any of the packing so far but I come home each day and Kirsten and Jay's mom will have packed something else up. It's very emotional leaving this house. Our children grew up there. All our memories of Pam are there. All the birthday parties, Christmas mornings, and all the other memories that are a part of our lives were created there. And yet I have a peace about moving on. I think Pam would "approve" and be happy for us.

I laugh and cry when I think of packing up. She would probably already have it all done ... me I just keep saying I'll get it done in time....:) I miss her. Oh, how I miss her.

I pray for the children. They are silent about their inner thoughts and I know they must be feeling the same mixed emotions about moving. But they are excited too and that is such fun to watch and be a part of. They keep teasing me about my ORANGE dining room and PINK kitchen. So when you sell a house and the realtor says stick with neutral colors to help it sell - remember we purchased a house with ORANGE and PINK where ORANGE and PINK should never be. :)

Keep on praying for us....

New Home...

If all goes as planned we will be moving over Thanksgiving...I am shocked, amazed and generally just overwhelmed. It is something we have all wanted for years but never thought it would happen and yet we love our home and always will.

The last five months have been difficult to say the least but lately just coming into the house has been so very hard. Then with the break in on October 5th - life has seem different. After talking with each of the children we (Jay and I) were led to look for a home and then see what we would do with my mom who lives next door. Pretty overwhelming tasks.

We found a house we LOVED and is available now - we did the back and forth offering and counter offering with dear sweet Kate Black at our sides and Jack and Lisa Kody's prayer and support and we came to an agreement two days later.

I talked with my mom - she visited a retirement community - fell in love with it and is moving after November 1. She is scared and excited all at the same time but it will be such a blessing for her to have the social contacts she has so missed since moving to Greensboro. Her parking lot is 3.6 miles from our new driveway - I know because we clocked it. She would have liked to move in with us but we both agreed that wasn't best for anyone and would just put her in another house alone during the day while we are gone.

We are scheduled to close 11/20 and I plan to cook a turkey in my new oven...I will even be able to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher - something I haven't had in 20 years.

The Lord is working out so many details. He is in control and that is good - the move will be very difficult - prayers and lots of help will be needed but we feel confident and blessed in this journey.

Thank you Lord...Life may be hard - but God is so good.

Weddings....happy days

Sometimes the Lord just blesses you with a wonderful event - a wedding. We had the privilege of witnessing the marriage of two precious friends on Saturday - it was probably the most touching, funny, happy and most blessed event I have ever attended. I cried, I laughed and I got to see precious friends. Thank you Lord for giving me this moment of joy!

Pam remains...

Well Monday was interesting to say the least. Our home was broken into while Bryce, Kirsten and Mollie were asleep upstairs. Bryce came downstairs and that scared them off with a few odds and ends plus Kirsten's laptop but they didn't harm him or the girls and for that we are so very thankful.

Over the years when break-ins have occured in our neighborhood, Pam would always tell the children that they were safe upstairs and that she would not let anyone get past her room. Well these intruders came in through "Pam's" bathroom window - went through her closet to her bedroom and this where Bryce discovered them. They ran out through the laundry room door and did not ever get into any other part of the house. So the Lord must have built a protective wall around our children yesterday and allowed Pam's commitment to keep them safe in tact.

It's hitting me today what could have happened - how awful it could have been and just how blest we are in the midst of yet another major life event. Lord, we are in need of a time of rest, please.

Fall....

Well it's officially fall and now it officially feels like it! Cool mornings - nice evenings and more missing Pam. She loved fall... I'm looking at the flower garden I have tried to keep alive since May and wondering if I'm supposed to be doing something? Guess I can pull up those annuals that have finally said "I'm Done" and maybe I'll plant some pansies. That would be new - Pam didn't usually plant those. I'm trying to keep the flower beds nice for her and yet make them my own.

Jay is busy dismantling the pool. Big messy job! We are going set up a fire pit for the fall/winter. We hope to have some winner roasts/s'mores with friends, family and may the scout troop.

Jay has had a hard week - One of his co-workers and dear friends was laid off. He is sad and feeling guilty that he still has a job. It is a double edged sword - you feel guilty and thankful at the same time.

Mollie gets information on her dream of going to Disneyland for an internship today. I'm praying she will know the Lord's will for her in this endeavor and that I will be silent and let her find her way.

We are visiting a different church. It is hard - we miss our dear friends at 5:14 - but I just take a deep breath and press on. I don' t like this place I am in but as I was talking with a co-worker today I have to keep reminding myself God really IS in control.

Thank you Lord for the seasons - I love fall until all the leaves are fallen and leave the barren trees - this always makes me sad. Then I can pray for snow :)....

Can't we just get along...

Oh how I long for a block of time where life is calm and peaceful. There always seems to be some heart wrenching decision to be made. We are struggling at home with discord among the children. Trying to get everyone to "act" their age is hard. It seems all like to sink to the youngest age in the house and have a problem understanding why the other is so unreasonable. We pray daily for wisdom and strength in forging a path for our new family structure. We miss Pam! All of us and at times I don't think the children understand that is an underlying issue for all of us. I keep reminding myself that all this is normal - ugh - I don't think I like normal very much.

The shelves are built in the laundry room - YEAH! They are great and the windows now have molding around them - look so very good. Kirsten is on a cleaning frenzy - YEAH and going through draws, organizing shelves and I'm praying that when I can't find something she will remember where she put it :) Next on the agenda is replacing the kitchen floor...big job. BIGGEST job is going to be painting outside the house - my goal is to have this done by Christmas.

Jay is healthy according to the doctors and blood work results. He felt lots better when he got this news. So do I! Protect him Lord - we need him to be our guide and comfort in the midst of pain.

Labor Day for sure...

Well it's good to be back at work, sort of, today. We accomplished much over the weekend. Jay and Ashley put down a laminate flooring in her room. Her room is an add-on that for over the last ten years was just a floor of plywood with an area rug. Now it is a beautifully cherry floor. She was so very excited to get this done before her 13th birthday this week.

Sunday was more a day of rest. We visited a church that has opportunities for Ashley and my mom to be with those their age. I'm not sure - we love our 5:14 family so very much - we are asking God to lead us to where he wants us to be. We were actually able to join our 5:14 family for lunch. It's really hard and a decision I really don't want to have to make - but I know mom was so very happy Sunday to have folks to talk with and Ashley enjoyed herself too. Lord, we seek your will for our lives...please guide us.

Monday was a holiday for us - Labor Day - and that is pretty much what we did. Jay is going to build shelves for our laundry room - one of my many items on the WISH LIST. As he began preparation we decided the old plywood floor should be upgraded in there too. So off to Home Depot where we purchased a flooring (not sure what you call it) that we began laying last night. We will probably be working on it for days to come. But we went to bed last night feelings good that we had started this - a project Pam would be so thrilled to see finally happen.

A dear friend's dad joined Pam in heaven on Friday. It was the friend we went to visit a couple of weeks ago - you know the one I wanted to give a message to so he could deliver it to Pam. Well I didn't make it back over to see him before he began his eternal journey - you would think by now I would have learned to not put things off. My heart aches for the family left behind - you are happy that the loved one is with his Lord but so very, very sad to not have them there to talk, laugh, cry and just be with to absorb all the wisdom they have to give.

This week will be hard - Ashley turns 13. She told me the other night she will be glad when it is over - she misses Pam and wishes she were here. Me too! I'm trying to pull off a big birthday party without my party planner. Watch over me Pam if you can hear my thoughts. This will be a tough one.

Well we've been through our first Labor Day without Pam - another first behind us. Hmmmmmmm.....

Will we know each other in heaven...

Last night I had the privilege of singing hymns with my family and friends to a dear sweet man who is dying of cancer. As he lay there with the look of pure enjoyment at our rag-tag attempt to sing old hymns - I was so touched. I also couldn't help but think of Pam now in heaven in a new body - one free from pain, sorrow and suffering - I so miss her and I'm not sure I'll ever be glad she is not with us but I am trying to focus on the beautiful promise of heaven.

I wanted to ask Mr. Uzzell to tell Pam hello upon his arrival in heaven and that we miss her. I have hard time understanding how he could deliver that message and Pam not be sad that she is not with us. Heaven is such a mystery to me. I can talk about wanting to go to heaven some day - I can imagine the idea of no pain or suffering but I can't comprehend how you can remember those you love and not be sad to be apart. I know it is all in the great mystery of God and his master plan but that's seems to be about all I can understand right now.

I can picture Pam with her dad. They were apart for nearly 30 years. She loved him so much - he would have loved being a grandad and I tease that he would have adored his only daughter-in-law (we never met). But how can they be together and not be sad at all the things they missed sharing together on earth during their separation? Mystery doesn't even begin to define this for me. But just maybe it will give me something new to study - ponder - and seek God's wisdom about.

Songs will soothe the soul....

I have a friend who is currently struggling in several areas of her life. To her it feels like ALL areas and in emailing back and forth with her the words to a favorite song of mine came to mind. I hope if you read this that these words will touch your heart too...

Life is Hard, But God is Good - by Pam Thum

You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do

Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good

You start to cry
'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows

Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good

New Memories...missing a part

Well yesterday was the first day of school...we saw butterflies last night. Are the two connected? I believe they are. Everytime I see a butterfly - I say Pam's here. Does my brain believe this? Maybe no - but my heart feels like she is visiting us to be sure we are alright and that I am doing all the right things.

Yes, Pam, I remembered to take the first day of school pictures of Ashley. She was so excited. She had a great day! I will do my best to keep her scrapbooks going. But I don't know.

Mollie is happy with her classes! Thank you Lord. She is happy to coming home at night. Who would have ever thought this would make her happy.

Kirsten starts her part-time job on Thursday. I'm so happy for her - she will enjoy getting out and will be spending time with a wonderful lady who loved Pam so much.

Life is hard...but God is good.

Tears that never seem to cease...

Yesterday was a teary day. Sometimes tears are a release - these were not. Everything just made me cry - an aching sort of cry that hurts. You know the kind that make your eye sockets feel like they are on fire? If you don't know what I'm talking about then count yourself fortunate. Everything bothered me - everyone bothered me - but being alone bothered me. Guess it was just a bad day! Tomorrow is Tuesday - the most dreaded day of my week. Maybe I shed Tuesday's tears on Sunday - maybe - that could be it but then I have shed tears today so I must still have more.

Mollie began school today at UNCG - she had a good day - praise the Lord! Ashley starts tomorrow - Lord let it be a good year please. Kirsten starts a part-time job on Thursday - let this be a blessing to her soul. Bryce is back home after a week of housesitting - yeah! All our children are safely in our humble nest.

Today is nearly over - at work at least. Then off to Ashley's open house!

Shopping - a new memory

Tomorrow I will be taking Ashley for her annual back to school shopping trip. This was always done with Pam at our side finding the best bargains and supporting me when I would say no to something Ashley wanted that I didn't think we should get. She was also there to help convince me to buy things Ashley wanted when I was unsure about the purchase. So here we go on another one of many 1sts.

So I decided to switch things up - we are going to Concord Mills. I've never been there - Pam never went there and so it will be some place totally different. But once again I would normally never go somewhere for the 1st time without Pam to drive me, guide me and just support me as she did for so many years.

We are taking a friend, Cynthia, with us and we are actually going to spend the night. Mollie and her friend Amanda are going to a concert in Charlotte and will be able to come back to the hotel and spend the night. So it should be a fun time.

Jay gets to stay with Gizmo and also go over and stay with Cynthia's two dachshunds for the night. Gizmo will have his first sleep over :)

I'm praying the Lord will guide my steps and help me as I learn to make new memories and set new traditions without Pam at my side.

Home is hard

I'm finding our home is haunting me. Well it just is full of reminders of past moments that are precious and yet so painful. What do you do when you feel you want to run and yet you have no where to run. Jay and I talk about this often so I think we are dealing with our feelings in a healthy way.

We are both nuts about our dog and I think that is for the reason I mentioned before - Gizmo holds no connection to Pam. He's new and memory free.

Well it's Tuesday and I've survived another Tuesday almost. They are still the hardest days of all.

Home Again

Well vacation is over and we are about to embark on a new school year. Today Ashley and I went to purchase school supplies - it's amazing how the smallest things bring back memories - sweet memories that you didn't really treasure as you should have until there is no more time to make sweet memories. Life is busy and that helps but my heart still aches every single day - the reality is I want Pam back with us and I'm confused as to why God had to take her away from us. Right now the only happy memory that is Pam free is time with our puppy Gizmo. He has no connection to her and therefore I can play with him without it bringing memories of Pam to mind - and yet she would have absolutely loved him.

Tomorrow I do my third college parent orientation - hopefully I'll get it right this time :) Lord help me be positive and upbeat for Mollie as she enters her fourth school in three years. :)

End of Vacation

Well we have had two days of rain...ugh. Not the way you want to end your vacation but something totally beyond our control. We've about finished a puzzle - many books have been read and everyone is still alive so I guess we have been sucessful.

Tomorrow we pack up to head home and part of me is ready. It has been a good week and the Lord really provided the needed support through the Benedict family. As we cooked our annual seafood fest last night I was so reminded of Pam as she would stand by me and be my "sou chef" but this year she is not here to fulfill that role so my dear friend Cynthia graciously took on this role and made preparing the meal fun.

Before we head home tomorrow we will spread some of Pam's ashes in the ocean. She loved the beach as much as she loved Disney - maybe more as she shared my love of the ocean and the awesomeness of God's incredible creation. Today I just wish He would have held back some of the rain but then maybe He protected us from getting burned :)

It's been a great distraction this week from the daily reminders of Pam's absence - will I ever be used to it? I doubt it - God has given me a sign of her presence - each time I see a butterfly I am reminded of her love for nature and have decided it is her visiting me if for only a moment.

Well time to start packing up some stuff and preparing for returning to the "real world".

Vacation...

Tomorrow we leave for a week at the beach. This trip is always in the works and begins as we leave the beach the previous year. In January we searched and found an incredible house we could not afford - well without the help of friends who are going on vacation with us this year. Our dear friends Mike and Cynthia Benedict and their two children will be joining us. Many may think we planned this last minute after Pam's passing but in fact God orchestrated it last summer when Cynthia said she would love for us to do a vacation this year together - neither of us knowing at the time that Pam would not be in our midst.

Our bags are packed - food is sitting all over the dining room waiting to loaded - and at 10:00 am in the morning we will head to Topsail Island with the six of us, the four Benedicts, Jay's mom and my mom - oh and did I mention my brother and his family is already down there (just for the weekend) and will be joining us for dinner on Saturday night as we celebrate my 53rd birthday (Sunday).

We plan to take a little part of Pam with us and spread the ashes on the beach. She loved the beach so very much - she could search for the perfect shark's tooth for hours in broken shells and always found one.

I believe the Lord will bless our week even in the midst of the bittersweetness of Pam's absence. If you read this - please pray for us. I still cry nearly every day at some point, I ache for a hug from Pam and wonder if I'm doing everything alright for all our kids. I struggle with life and death and the meaning of it all - but keep letting my head rule as it keeps saying remember God is good and He loves you beyond what you are able to comprehend.

A new day...

Well it's 12:30 in the afternoon and today I have not cried. I've heard songs on the radio that normally make me cry so maybe I am entering a new phase of grief. One where I can control my emotions..well that may be a little strong but at least I'm not so emotional as I sit at my desk and work. I'm typing this without tears and that's a huge improvement. I even typed an email this morning without tears.

We got a new puppy yesterday. Pam would love him but may be bothered that we got him from a pet store. Now this wasn't just any pet store - it was a place Pam used to take Ashley, Caitlin and Zack on a weekly basis to love the puppies. Now one calls us family and I know she would have loved him dearly. It may not have been the rescue she envisioned but we did rescue him from his little pen at the store.

So this is what's his name and he is absolutely precious... he is 4 months old and a minature schnauzer. Did I mention he is precious? Well he is - he just needs a name.

I've decided to begin this blog as a way of dealing with a huge loss. My best friend and sister-in-law passed away suddenly on May 19th. She was a source of great strength in my life and losing her without any warning has really rocked my world. My prayer is by blogging about her I will be able to focus on the incredible gifts she gave me in the 26 years that I called her my friend.